Aberle's instruction manual: part 1

It is noon here on this beautiful Friday, in Hawaii, and I have yet to leave the house. The two things that I have been able to do completely uninterrupted are:  get dressed and eat breakfast (pancakes that I didn't even make, already made earlier this morning by Matty). I had big plans to get caught up on laundry, clean the kitchen, and then be able to play the rest of the day by visiting friends or going to the beach or finally try this recipe I had found for copycat Cafe Rio sweet pork. I didn't think to include Aberle's plans for the morning in my agenda. Her plans included being content for ten to fifteen minutes at a time then crying inconsolably for ten minutes, then be consoled and repeat. As I am sure you have already put together, we decided to go with Aberle's plan.

So now I am sitting here, listening to the baby swing rock back and forth and "Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird" on repeat and wondering where my morning has gone, what happened to my surge of productivity I had woken up with, and will I even be able to leave the apartment until Matt gets home.

I have often heard the parents say they wish their child came with an instruction manual. I have decided to write one for Abs.

Aberle's 8 Point Mood Scale: 

cooing softly < grunting < screeching excitedly < feeling ignored squawks < starting to getting uncomfortable/upset yelling < moaning sadly < crying < angry crying < hysteria 

Here are 10 simple steps I have developed in taking care of a fussy Aberle which begins at the moaning sadly:

Step 1. Breastfeed. She's probably hungry. If that doesn't have immediate results and turns into angry crying, jump all the way to Step 6.

Step 2. Give her a binky. When that makes her quiet, continue to Step 3. If her eyes start to close, immediately go to Step 7.

Step 3: Lay her on her stomach and surround her with toys just out of reach. If that doesn't work continue on to Step 4.

Step 4: Move a toy within her grasp. She was probably getting frustrated because her rocking around wasn't enough to bring her close enough to grab it. If that doesn't work continue on to Step 5.

Step 5: Roll her on her back and hand her a toy. By this time, she has had enough of your gimmicks of motivating her to move. If crying turns hysterical, continue on to Step 6.

Step 6: Pick her up and rock her in your arms, bounce around, swing her up and down (the more you look like you have no sense of dance coordination whatsoever, the better the result). Repeat Step 2, once angry cry has calmed to a grunting or deep, sad inhales. If she starts to have the appearance of being sleepy continue on to Step 7. If you have made it back to this step more than 3 times, continue on to Step 8.

Step 7: Lay her on her back back with her head on the flattest pillown in the middle of your bed. Hand her the snuggle dinosaur and your very own cuddle blanket. Wait 5 minutes. If in five minutes there is utter silence, you now have "free time." If there are blood curdling screams, return to Step 1.

Step 8: Put her in the baby swing. BUCKLE HER IN. Turn up the rocking motion settings and music volume up full blast. If this does not produce quiet results in 10 minutes, repeat Step 1. If you have made it to this step more than 3 times or you feel like you are going to cry hysterically yourself or you are going to start pulling your hair out, continue on to Step 9.

Step 9: Give her a bath and let her kick and splash around. She should smile up at you like the last 3 hours were all just a grand old time you two just shared. If this does not happen, please continue on to Step 10.

Step 10: Call your husband in hysterics, tell him he needs to come home as soon as he can, wait for him to come home, and then hightail it to the beach. In the case that you do not have a beach to run to, heaven help you.


In case you were wondering, we were able to stop at Step 8, twice, this morning. She is now waking up in the time it took me to write this post. TGIF!!!